Teenage is just like an April downpour. It comes out of nowhere, drenches you in its magic and then leaves behind a completely transformed world for you. And it’s not half-childhood half adulthood as many might like to believe, it is an absolutely different stage of existence, physically as well as psychologically. It’s a time for experiences and experiments, for frivolity and frustration, for delusions and decisions, for logic and love. You are suddenly not that carefree kid anymore. You start to daydream about all those feelings you once laughed at. You gradually begin to question the things you once found obvious. Despite all the censorship the monks imposed, teenage was no different for the RKM boys. Since there were no girls around, the guys developed crushes for tennis players, movie stars and even, news readers. Many of them tried to cross into the forbidden territories; some found it fascinating, some repulsive and some even got caught and punished. Teenage in RKM stayed much longer than normal. It was one of those rare April downpours which went on and on.
But, I was different. While my friends were still struggling to understand the sudden changes in the nature of their dreams, I was trying to unravel the mysteries of spirituality under Bishwaroop Maharaj’s able guidance. We often discussed the ‘true meaning’ of God, happiness, soul, divinity, life and beyond. Despite all attempts by Papa to show that no one (not even a monk) was free from desires, I still wanted to join the monastic order and plunge myself further into the ocean of mysticism and theology. I often wondered if I had skipped the stage my friends called ‘teenage’. It was in the October of 1998 that I finally realised that my teenage had not gone astray. It was just that my teenage had arrived a little late for me.
I had come home for my week long Pujo vacations. It was a usual crimson skied Sahibganj evening. I was idly standing by the balcony when I saw her for the first time. There she was; someone I had never seen but seemed to have known since ages. In one word, she was just ‘flawless’. Chocolate coloured eyes, a body sculpted to perfection, an exquisitely gorgeous face and an enigmatic smile. I just kept on staring at her, mesmerised and speechless. I could clearly hear the loud thumping of my heart as it sent strange vibrations all over my body. My throat felt parched and there was this funny little gurgling ache in my stomach, which I can still feel but somehow can’t explain in words. I don’t know for how long did I stay there this way but it felt like aeons. It was as if weathers, years, civilizations had come and gone as I stood there looking at this splendid piece of art. Within seconds, all those years of discussions with Bishwaroop Maharaj became meaningless. Spirituality seemed like a big lie and the so-called ‘mirage’ seemed like the ultimate truth. As teenage crept inside, the monk in me retired to the concealed corners of my head, never to return again.
That night I asked Ashu about this girl, who had completely flooded my brains. He told me that she was the youngest daughter of the Sinhas, our new neighbours. He also added with a mischievous smirk that she was younger than me and Ma liked her a lot. I still remember that I didn’t sleep at all that night. I kept on looking out of the window at the moon and weaved the dreams of my future.
For the remaining five days of the vacation, my time table was scheduled to her clock. I knew the exact time when she came out for her morning walks, when she left for school and when she played badminton. I also remember stalking her on my broken bicycle to her school and trying to advertently overhear what she was chatting with her sisters, sincerely hoping that she talked about me. But, somehow she never seemed to notice me and we didn’t have a single direct eye contact in those five days. When I came back to RKM and told the whole incident to my friends, they simply laughed at me. Never before had an RKM guy fallen in love with a ‘real’ girl and everyone knew this for sure that I had no chance at all with ‘a dazzling looking girl who didn’t even know that I existed’.
When Bishwaroop Maharaj heard about it, he was infuriated like never before and asked me in clearly put words, “Aayush, you have great potential in you but you seem disillusioned by the chimera world of this Miss Bhayankari (Miss Dangerous). Now, you have to choose between the two – a life as a monk in the service of humanity or a life caught in the murky swamp of short lived desires.” I didn’t take more than a second to answer this one. Some of you might see it as foolish to forget my so-called ‘purpose of life’ for a girl I barely knew but sometimes it makes more sense to let your destiny be crafted by your heart rather than brains.
But shy as I was, I never got enough courage to approach her and tell her about my feelings. Forget telling about my feelings, it was tough even talking to her. The moment I started talking, my voice got choked and I sweated in buckets. Be it Calculus equations or the day’s weather, any topic she started with me ended in a strange stutter from me. Though most of my friends thought that Shilpi was just a passing dream, there were some of them who encouraged me a lot. One of them was Shanku who always told me that the only way to win her heart was to get into an IIT. There was this urban myth that only a dumb girl would turn down a proposal from an IITian.
I was never amongst the class toppers and was ranked 9th in my class when the Xth results came out. A place like IIT was a distant dream for me. I wanted to do graduation in World History but Papa wanted me to prepare for IIT-JEE and so, I also joined the herd. Most of the RKM toppers left for greener pastures like DPS RK Puram and DAV Shyamali after the Xth exams. Despite having an offer from Mother’s International School, I decided to stay and do my +2 at RKM. I was like the worm who was scared of the world outside his cocoon. Since all the toppers were gone, suddenly I became one of the more intelligent ones of the batch. That helped me gain more confidence and let me take a shot at questions which I would have otherwise not attempted. Debu (my best buddy during those years) and I would study for hours together; solving problems and then, many a times, fighting over our solutions. Both of us loathed outdoor sports then and we would skip the compulsory sports hour by hiding beneath our cots and solving Physics problems in a torch light. As my class ranks started soaring, I had a new purpose now – I wanted to get into IIT and then propose to Shilpi.
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